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Considering adoption?
If you are just beginning to research placing your baby for
adoption, rest
assured that there are
many people that have worked, and continue to work,
to specifically help you
through this process. Counselors, attorneys, judges,
mothers, fathers, adoptive parents, birth mothers, and adopted children have
all worked through the
years, using their own personal experiences, to establish processes and laws to
protect and help you, the birthparent.
The first thing you need to know is that the choice is yours. If you are of
legal
age, the decision
belongs to the birthmother and birthfather only! And, nobody
can or will rush you
into anything. The laws of most states will not allow you to
fully terminate your
parental rights until after the birth. So, you can begin researching your
options, and looking for that special adoptive family, even
without being completely
sure of your decision.
Can you ever be completely sure of your decision? Probably not. But regardless,
life often forces us to
make these life determining choices. All you can do is
gather information, the
support of your family and friends, and make your
choice. Then, live
each day of the rest of your life with the faith and confidence that you did
make the right decision.
You also need to be comfortable with the adoption professionals that help you
with your adoption plan.
All of us at A Loving Choice have adopted children, so
we know the miracle that
you are offering a family. We also know that choosing
to place your child for adoption is a very brave and selfless act. By creating
your own adoption plan,
you can make sure that your child knows about you
and the 'loving
choice' you made for them. We also understand that this can
be a very overwhelming
time, and we will work with you to reduce your stress
and fear, so that you
can simply concentrate on delivering a healthy baby.
Pregnancy causes many changes, both physical and emotional. It can be a very
confusing time for a woman, even in the best of circumstances. We are here to
help in any way we can.
We answer our birthparent help line 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, so just
call . . .
1-800-321-2070
or, continue your research by reading
our most
Frequently Asked Questions ,
A Birthmother's Advice on Choosing Adoptive Parents ,
The Advantages of an Open Adoption ,
a
testimonial from birthmother Lisa
Here are some of our most
Frequently Asked Questions.
Should I place my child for adoption?
The decision to place a child for adoption is a difficult one. It is an act of
great courage and much love. Remember, adoption is permanent. You will live with
your choice for the rest
of your life. When an adoption happens, most people consider it to be a choice
made for the future of the child. But adoption is not
just about the baby,
it's about you, the birthfather, and often other children
that must be part of
your considerations. Many adoption placements are made
by single mothers already raising other children. They simply know that they
cannot take on another
child. You must consider what you feel is best for all
the members of your
family unit, even if that is only yourself. It is not a selfish
act to do what is best
for yourself as well as your baby.
Have I explored all possibilities?
Pregnancy can affect your feelings and emotions. Are you only thinking about
adoption because you have money problems, or because your living situation is
difficult? These problems might be temporary. Have you called Social Services
to
see what they can do, or asked
friends and family if they can help? If you
have done these things
and still want adoption, you will feel more content with
your decision.
Will the adoptive parents take good care of my child?
Prospective adoptive parents are carefully screened and give a great deal of
information about themselves. They are visited in their home several times by
a social worker, they
must provide personal references, their finances are reviewed, and a criminal
background check is performed on them both. They are taught about the
special nature of adoptive parenting before an adoption takes place. By the time
an agency has approved adoptive parents for placement, they have gotten to know
them very well, and feel confident they would make good parents. This does
not promise that they will be perfect parents, but they are decent people who
really want to care for children. You will also have the option to choose a
family by reading profiles, having phone conversations, and even meeting them face
to face.
What are my baby's father's rights in adoption?
The birthfather's rights in adoption are the same as the birthmother's unless
determined otherwise by a court system. For more on the birthfather side of
adoption, see our 'Birthfather' section below.
Will my child wonder why I placed him (or her) for adoption?
Probably. But adoption today is probably a lot different from what it was when
you were growing up.
Most adopted adults realize that their birth parents placed them for adoption
out of love, and because it was the best they knew how to do. Hopefully your
child will come to realize that a lot of his or her wonderful traits
come from you. And if
you have an open adoption, it is likely that you will be able
to explain to the child
why you chose adoption.
Why am I placing my child for adoption?
If your answer is because it is what you, or you and your partner think is best,
then it is a good
decision. Now it is time to move forward, and not feel guilty.
How much can I find out about an adoptive family for my baby?
Potential adoptive families provide profiles for you to look through with
informa- tion
on them, most of them have several pictures. This information may consist
of a 'Dear Birthmother'
letter addressed to you, and contain the size of their
family, where they live,
what they do for a living, as well as others things such
as how long they’ve been
married, how they met, what their pets’ names are,
and what their health
history is. They can even include what their religious views are, and will most
likely include some photos of them and their lifestyle.
What will the adoptive parents of my baby have to know about
me?
The adoptive parents will want to know all they can about you. They will
probably
be interested in your
medical history, your healthcare, your age, and your
interests. You may
provide any additional information you would like them to
have.
Will I be able to see my baby when it’s born?
Yes, you may choose whether or not you would like to see your baby, and how
long you want to be with
him or her. Papers do not become effective, and are sometimes not even signed
until 24, 48, or 72 hours after your child’s birth, depending on the state you
give birth in.
A Birth Mother's Advice on Choosing Adoptive
Parents
Years ago,
when I was a teenager and saw the world through rose colored glasses, I dreamed
of being a mother. I daydreamed about wearing maternity clothes, decorating a
nursery and tossing around baby names.
Little did I know then that I would be helping someone else decorate a nursery and listen to them throwing around names for my baby. No one dreams of being a
birthmother. It just happens.
I found myself "accidentally" pregnant at
a time in my life when I did not think I could give a child all he or she
deserved. Although I loved my unborn baby so much, I had to put my baby's needs
above my heart's desires. I believe God does not create accidents, so
terminating this pregnancy was not an option for me. I began to look into open
adoption and to think about the things I wanted for my baby.
It is pretty common in today's adoption world for a birthmother to choose an
adoptive family for her child. I knew I could not be too picky, but I had to
decide which qualities were the most important to me for my baby's family to
have.
Sometimes, I think birthmothers look for families that had similar qualities to
their own families, or they look for families that have qualities that their
family lacked while growing up, and they often wished for. These are the
questions I asked myself:
1. How important to me is it that my baby be raised in a 2 parent family?
For some birthmothers, not being able to provide a stable father is one of the main reasons for placing their baby in an adoption agreement. But for others, a
single parent placement may be suitable if the parent can completely provide for
the child.
2. Is it important to me that my baby have a stay at home parent?
Again for some young mothers choosing adoption, this is may be very important to
them as it is another thing they can not give them. And for others, a stay at
home parent is not quite as important. Some birthmothers may have longed for a
stay at home Mom growing up and may want their child to have a stay at home Mom.
3. Do I want my baby to be an only child or do I want him or her to have
siblings?
This question is a little trickier for one cannot predict the future. An
adoptive family could have plans to adopt another child after yours and then for
different reasons, it might not happen. Or they might only be planning on having
one child and then circumstances could change. But there are some birthmothers
who want to place their child with a family who does not have any children yet,
maybe because they were the first and they want their child to be the first too.
Yet, to other birthmothers this might not be as important. A birth mother who
had older brothers or sisters or wished for them, may want her child
placed with a family that already has children.
4. Is religion a factor?
For some birthmothers religion is very important. If you were raised a devout
Catholic, it might be important to you that your baby be raised by a family that
is also Catholic. You may want your child to grow up with the same customs and
traditions that you had as a child. To others, a loving environment is more
important, and religion does not become an issue.
Before you begin meeting with and talking to couples, you should have an idea in
your head as to what type of adoption you are looking for. Do you want a very open adoption with the ability to visit anytime? Or would prefer a scheduled
visit once a year? Or do you think visits might be too tough for you to handle
and that pictures and updates would simply be the best thing for you? Or do you
think that anything would be too hard and that a closed adoption might be the
best thing for you. Although, I think it is more important to keep in mind, that
open adoptions are not legally forcible in most states.
Someone asked me recently if I thought making a list of qualities that you are
looking for in an adoptive couple is wrong. I do not actually recommend making a list of the qualities and attributes you are searching for in an adoptive
family. As you begin to look at profiles on the internet, or through your
agency, or begin to talk to couples, you could even make notes about them.
Searching for a family can be overwhelming. But, most times, when a birthmother
sees the family that they are meant to be matched with, they know in their heart
that it is right. No lists or profiles are needed, they simply know.
Note: The author is not a professional adoption
counselor; this is just her advice and points of view written from one mother to
another.
The
Advantages of an Open Adoption
Open adoption occurs when the potential
birthmother and prospective adoptive families have personal interaction with one
another. Through this type of adoption, the identities of all parties are shared
with each other. However the interaction may be different for each family and
may include letters, e-mails, telephone calls, or visits. There are several
potential advantages to an open adoption for the birth parents, the adoptive
parents, and the adopted child.
Open Adoption: Advantages for Birth Parents
The open adoption experience is different for
each person; however here is a list of potential advantages that you might
encounter with an open adoption:
- Sense of control -
Having the ability to review, interview and select the parents to place your
baby with, usually provides birthmothers with a sense of empowerment and
control.
- Reduced uncertainties
-Most birthmothers experience a sense of comfort knowing the child’s
well-being through interactions and updates with the adoptive family.
- Improved mourning -
Being able to visit and talk with the adoptive family and the adopted child
often provides an increased ability to deal with the grief and loss.
- Reduced fear - When
there is on-going communication with the adoptive family before the birth and
following the adoption, it usually helps you reduce the fears you might have
on what is going to happen to the child.
- Relationship with the child
- With an open adoption, there is the potential to develop a healthy
relationship with the child as he or she grows.
- Relationship with the
adoptive family - There is an opportunity for you to develop a
relationship with the adoptive family. For some birth families, the adoptive
family becomes like part of their own extended family.
- Reduced guilt -
With an on-going relationship and communication about the well-being of the
child, you may experience less guilt about making a decision about placing for
adoption.
Open Adoption: Advantages for Adoptive Family
The open adoption experience is different for
every family; however here is a list of potential advantages that you might
encounter with an open adoption:
- Reduced fear - When
there is on-going communication with the birthmother or birth families before
the birth and following the adoption, it usually helps to reduce the fears one
might have about the birthmother’s intentions because her desires are known.
- Medically informed
- A medical history is provided prior to the adoption; however with an open
adoption there is an ability to seek additional medical information as things
may change as the child develops.
- Relationship with the birth
families - There is an opportunity to develop a relationship with the
birthmother or birth families. For some adoptive families, the birthmother or
birth families become like part of their own extended family.
- Affirmation - As an
adoptive family, you may experience a sense of empowerment or encouragement
knowing that you were ‘chosen’ as the adoptive family.
- Understanding and confidence
- An open adoption provides you with a greater understanding of your child’s
history making it easier to answer the infamous questions about “who am I” and
“where did I come from?”
Open Adoption: Advantages for the Adopted Child
The open adoption experience is different for
every child; however here is a list of potential advantages that an adopted
child might encounter with an open adoption:
- Identity and self-confidence
- Open adoption provides adopted children with direct access to birth families
for information about family history and family trees. This often makes it
easier to answer the infamous questions about “who am I” and “where did I come
from?”
- Protection against a sense
of abandonment - Having the opportunity to communicate with the birth
families and receive the reasons behind the adoption can help prevent the
child from experiencing a sense of abandonment.
- Absence of the need to
search - The potential need to search to find the birth families is
removed and is not necessary.
- Medically informed
- A medical history is provided prior to the adoption; however with an open
adoption there is an ability to seek additional medical information that may
become necessary with the onset of medical symptoms in adulthood or questions
about genetics with future family planning.
- Relationship with the birth
families - There is an opportunity for the adopted child to develop a
relationship with the birthmother or birth families. For some adopted
children, the birthmother or birth families become like part of their own
extended family.
- Support Network -
The birthmother and birth families have a genuine concern for the well-being
of the child which often makes them advocates for the child and serves as
additional support to the child.
The open adoption experience is different for
each adoption. The most important thing for all parties involved in the adoption
process is communication. The more communication about wishes, desires,
expectations, etc., the more comfortable each party will be in the adoption
process.
December 2004
Testimonial by Birthmother Lisa:
You see, sometimes we have to face
choices we're not ready for, that's why I called A Loving Choice Adoption.
There was someone with understanding waiting for me to call.
When you have questions, when you have fears, when you have
doubts, when you have love in your heart, when you have no
family or friends to talk to, when your finances are gone, when you see no hope,
when you want to make your own adult decision--you should call them.
I wasn't planning on getting pregnant and then when I knew I was for sure, I
wasn't planning on keeping it. I wanted to pick life. I knew I had three major
choices: abortion, adoption, or parenting. I wanted to pick the family and keep
in touch, in case the baby needed me. But when I called, I was scared and I
didn't know what I was going to do. After I talked to A Loving Choice, I knew
everything would be okay no matter what I decided to do. I was able to pick out
parents for my child without a lawyer or without fear of making the wrong
decision. I was able to meet them, too.
I had heard of children being adopted and wanting to find their biological
parents, so it was important to me that I didn't have to be a stranger.
The adoptive parents didn't have to be strangers either. I was able to feel
comfortable with the decision I made for my baby.
I thought it would be hard to give my daughter to the new parents at the
hospital, but she will always be my daughter by blood and I can keep in touch
with her as long as I want to. The best part is that I got to pick out her
parents. I know in my heart because they couldn't have children of their own
they'll take care of her 100 times better than I ever could.
So believe me when I tell you, you can still provide the best life for your
child. Choose your own decision, choose the adoptive parents, and choose A
Loving Choice ~ they were great!
Lisa
February 2006
Letter from a Birthmother
Dear Phyllis,
Thank you so much for helping me through one
of my hardest times. I don't know if you believe
in the Lord, but if you do thank you for trusting in him. Because someone who
helps another without ever seeing their face has to have some
kind of faith. I know that may sound strange because we have never even seen
each other.
Whenever I needed to talk, you were there without a sweat.
Again, thank you.
Desiray
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